I'm Not Having this Conversation
by BellsConlon
Summary: In which Lily and Sirius discuss James' abilities in bed. Lily/James, Sirius. Maurader Era. Could continue into a oneshot series. M for content and language.


**Inspired to write this while working on my other James/Lily story, 'Infinite.' **

**In which Lily and Sirius discuss James' abilities in bed.**

**Everything belongs to JKR.**

**Except my imagination (in there, Douglass Booth in glasses is James).**

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James was sound asleep, his head in Lily's lap as she read a book, the fire roaring in the Potter's drawing room. It was the Christmas holidays and Mr. and Mrs. Potter hadn't even blinked when James had owl'ed home informing his parents his girlfriend would be spending the break with them.

Since one Gryffindor was already mooching off the family for a place to stay as well.

"Lily?"

The afformentioned red head looked up from her novel at the lanky teenager sprawled on the floor.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Is James a good shag?"

_"What?"_

_"_James. Is he good in bed?"

She almost dropped her book on her boyfriend's face out of shock.

"I'm not having this conversation with you."

"Why not? I'm bored, it's cold out, he's sleeping. Let's gossip and become best mates."

"Sirius, is there something you need to tell me? Something about your sexuality, pherhaps?"

"What? You mean am I...NO. No. Bollocks, Lily, when you came downstairs this morning in nothing but Potter's Quidditch jumper I couldn't keep the little Black down, I had to go-"

"_Sirius, ew, shut it! _And you seriously call it little Black?"

"Well its not really all that small, honestly. I imagine Potter's isn't either, his feet are huge..."

"I'm not discussing my boyfriend's privates with you, Sirius."

"Lily, I've probably seen more of the guy than you have. Well, not any more since you guys fuck like bunnies now-"

"We do _not."_

"Lily Flower. I'll let you in on a secret. The Head dorms are not sound proff and you can everything in the common room. If you're listening for it."

"You're lying. And you're a pervert."

"I'm not. I know you _love it _when James eats you out because I heard you begging last week."

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation."

"I'm guessing he's good, because you were screaming so loudly. I can't see why he's not, he's had plenty of experience..."

"Sirius, I will actually- wait, what do you mean he's had plenty of experience? I thought I was only his second! _Sirius, stop laughing!"_

"Oh, Evans, darling sweet innocent Evans! His first shag was Kellianne Monaco back in his fourth year!"

"The old Quidditch captain?! She was a seventh year! And they..."

"After the cup win in his fourth year. She basically jumped him. And than there was that Ravenclaw Casey Waterloo for a bit...oh, and that Hufflepuff with the nice ass, what was her name again..? Can't remember. And summer between fifth and sixth year, when he was really trying to get over you, there was this group of French birds who just went _crazy _for the two of us..."

"I think I'm going to be ill."

"Shit, Evans, did you really not know any of this?"

"Does the current look of my face _look _like I knew any of this?"

"No, you look like you want to curse Potter's balls off actually...oh, I get it. Wait, was he _your _first?"

"I'm not answering that."

"That means he was. Bloody hell, Lily Evans was a virgin this whole time! I had galleons on that! Wormtail owes me!"

"You were betting in my _virginity? _And no actually Wormtail does _not _owe you! James wishes he owed you because James wants to hex Charlie Patton until he doesn't know his arse from his-"

"_Charlie Patton? _That prick! He deflowered you _and _won the cup last year? I'm surprised he's still standing, you must been an excellent lay to keep James distracted all the time-"

"Wouldn't you like to know."

"Actually, yes, for a very long time I did. I thought you were a right bitch hanging around with Snivellus all the time, but you are bloody _attractive, _Evans, you've been the inspiration for a many a-"

"_Sirius."_

_"_Right, too far. Sorry. Actually, no, I'm not, because you cannot tell me you haven't looked at me and wondered-"

"I haven't. You aren't my type."

"Bollocks."

"I'd shag Moony before you."

"Evans! I'm wounded! What does Potter have that I don't?"

"A brain. A moral compass. A filter between his brain and his mouth."

"Only around you."

"He knows how to grow up."

"To impress you."

"He is sweet and caring and protective."

"All for you, Evans, are you seeing a trend?"

"He can make me cum using only his toungue."

"As I said- wait, WHAT? Did Lily Evans just speak filthy? And he _can? _Wait, how...?"

"Lily, if you answer I won't do it tonight. Padfoot, if you don't leave the room, I actually will kill you."

"Prongs. You've been up this whole time."

"Yes."

"And Lily. You knew that."

"Yes."

"_Fuck. _I'm so dead."

Both: "Yes."

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**I've got a filthy mind. Don't mind me. I love reviews. **


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